Musings of a girl
This is a story of a girl, just your average girl, who dreamed of dragons, castles and times long past. With a sorrowful look in her eyes she stared into space, wondering why she was here, in this time and this place. A life that never felt that it was hers, a name she didn’t really know, a place she never felt she belonged in….but there she was, staring out into the darkness wondering when her real family would actually come to rescue her.
Day after day she felt alien in her skin, as if she was watching herself complete the tasks asked of her, learning to respect others, learning it was her job to love others, even when she felt she was not receiving the same back. She learned that she was only as good as what she could do. So she became good at everything she did for everyone else…..but still she didn’t belong…..the sadness in the girl grew….the chasm got larger and larger…..still no one came, no one noticed.
Half a lifetime later the girl still looks off into the distance, dreams of dragons replaced with meditations of flying high on their backs. The castles she dreamt of now in her realities have everything from tall turrets of honor and low dingy dungeons of darkness that she has carried with her through years of abuse, both physical, emotional and sexual. The girl that did everything well to please everyone is long gone but getting to the mid century mark took many hits to her heart and mind. No one ever came to save her, she realized some decades ago that it never worked that way, but in fairytales, and a princess she sure wasn’t…she was just an ordinary girl….a simple witch…..so she saved herself.
The forces against her were huge, for every lie they told there was the truth, not that anyone stopped to hear it, still there is no bitterness left all these years later, many a nights have been spent fighting the demons and the false accusations that flew because a girl wanted her freedom from oppression and abuse. We all say it doesn’t matter what others think of you its none of your business and while that may be true to a certain extent, it does matter in so many ways! The things people say about you cloud the judgement of others. It can create havoc in your life, in your circle and make you feel very alone when you find no one will even listen to you…..after all you are the girl and well girls don’t have as many rights to their lives as their husbands or parents…..yes that is what patriarchy is like for us….it strips us of any rights and before you even open your mouth your fate is decided because you were born with a vagina……she fought valiantly, so valiantly she almost lost her life a couple of times, once even flatlining…..then one day she stopped fighting and just walked away….no more fights, just walking, just freedom, just nothingness…but even nothingness was better than what she had.
The little girl left everything she knew, she walked away from everyone and everything that had ever been a part of her life…she walked into a new life, she started with nothing at all, just a roof….she worked 2 full time jobs and one part time one…..she slept never…..but she fought for herself and for those that she could save that came from her, but some well they were too far gone into the abyss, so they would have to ultimately save themselves….
The girl, now half a century older still stares out into the night, with visions of dragons, castles and Avalon, dreams of lives prior that remind her that she is the result of many, not just the ones directly behind her….she found connection in the ancestors, in the life they fought for before the patriarchy took hold of them and their lives…..being witch saved her life and led her home….
My best advice to those still trapped in that life….do the best you can to dream of your dragons and castles, and never stop fighting to be you. If all else fails, walk away and never look back! Sometimes it’s the only way.